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 Post subject: Re: Jokes/Humor
PostPosted: Fri Sep 22, 2017 1:17 pm 
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A three-legged dog walks into a bar and says, "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."

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 Post subject: Re: Jokes/Humor
PostPosted: Fri Sep 22, 2017 1:19 pm 
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Redneck Medical Definitions:

Benign......................What you be after you be eight.
Bacteria...................Back door to cafeteria.
Barium.....................What doctors do when patients die.
Cesarean Section......A neighborhood in Rome.
Catscan..................Searching for Kitty.
Cauterize................Made eye contact with her.
Colic.......................A sheep dog.
Coma.......................A punctuation mark.
D&C........................Where Washington is.
Dilate......................To live long.
Enema.....................Not a friend.
Fester.....................Quicker than someone else.
Fibula......................A small lie.
G.I.Series................World Series of military baseball.
Hangnail..................What you hang your coat on.
Impotent.................Distinguished, well known.
Labor Pain................Getting hurt at work.
Medical Staff...........A Doctor's cane.
Morbid....................A higher offer than I bid.
Nitrates..................Cheaper than day rates.
Node.......................I knew it.
Outpatient...............A person who has fainted.
Pap Smear...............A fatherhood test.
Pelvis......................Second cousin to Elvis.
Post Operative.........A letter carrier.
Recovery Room.........Place to do upholstery.
Rectum...................Damn near killed him.
Secretion................Hiding something
Seizure...................Roman emperor.
Tablet....................A small table.
Terminal Illness........Getting sick at the airport.
Tumor....................More than one.
Urine......................Opposite of mine.
Varicose.................Near by/close by.

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 Post subject: Re: Jokes/Humor
PostPosted: Fri Sep 22, 2017 1:24 pm 
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The Dog's Diary

8:00 am - Dog food! My favorite thing!
9:30 am - A car ride! My favorite thing!
9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favorite thing!
10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!
12:00 pm - Milk bones! My favorite thing!
1:00 pm - Played in the yard! My favorite thing!
3:00 pm - Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!
5:00 pm - Dinner! My favorite thing!
7:00 pm - Got to play ball! My favorite thing!
8:00 pm - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing!
11:00 pm - Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!

The Cat's Diary

Day 983 of My Captivity

My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength.

The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet. Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates my capabilities. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a "good little hunter" I am. Bastards!

There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of "allergies." I must learn what this means, and how to use it to my advantage.

Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow, but at the top of the stairs.

I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released, and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded. The bird must be an informant. I observe him communicate with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe. For now ...

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 Post subject: Re: Jokes/Humor
PostPosted: Fri Sep 22, 2017 6:33 pm 
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:lol: :lol: :lol:

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 Post subject: Re: Jokes/Humor
PostPosted: Fri Sep 22, 2017 6:52 pm 
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:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

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 Post subject: Re: Jokes/Humor
PostPosted: Fri Sep 22, 2017 7:39 pm 
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This pastor was noticing the many vagrants that were in the neighborhood that were apparently alcoholics .
He told his congregation to get as many of them as they could to come to church for the evening service .
That evening the two front rows were filled with the vagrants and the pastor had a table with two glasses on it .
He begins his service and tells everyone " Hear I have two glasses , one is filled with water and the other one is filled with alcohol . "
He takes a big night crawler and drops it in the water . The worm just wiggles around and not having a problem .
He takes another night crawler and drops it in the alcohol . The worm twists around a few times and then just drops to the bottom dead .
He then asks " Can anyone in the first two rows tell me the point of this demonstration ? "
A unshaven skinny man in the front row stands up and pointing at the glass with the alcohol says in a drunken stupor voice " If.. I ... keep.... drinkin' the ....way.. I do....,, I.. wont .. ever ... get ... worms . "

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 Post subject: Re: Jokes/Humor
PostPosted: Fri Sep 22, 2017 8:30 pm 
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:lol: :lol: :lol:

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 Post subject: Re: Jokes/Humor
PostPosted: Fri Sep 22, 2017 8:54 pm 
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Two lawyers from Chicago hired a pilot to fly them to Canada to hunt moose. They bagged six. As they started loading the plane for the return trip home, the pilot tells them the plane can take only three moose.

The two lawyers objected strongly, stating; "Last year we shot six moose and the pilot let us put them all on board and he had the same plane as yours." Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all six were loaded.

Unfortunately, even on full power, the little plane couldn't handle the load and went down a few minutes after takeoff. Climbing out of the wreck, the first lawyer asked his partner, "Any idea where we are?"
"I think we're pretty close to where we crashed last year."

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 Post subject: Re: Jokes/Humor
PostPosted: Fri Sep 22, 2017 8:55 pm 
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A drunk is driving through the city and his car is weaving violently all over the road. A cop pulls him over and asks, "Where have you been?"
"I've been to the pub," slurs the drunk.

"Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few."

"I did alright," the drunk says with a smile.

"Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?"

"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk. "For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."

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 Post subject: Re: Jokes/Humor
PostPosted: Fri Sep 22, 2017 9:00 pm 
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Unquote-able quotes


(On September 17, 1994, Alabama's Heather Whitestone was selected as Miss America 1995.)
Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?

Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever."

"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff."
Mariah Carey

"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life,"
Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign.

"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body,"
Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.

"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country,"
former Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC.

"That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it,"
A congressional candidate in Texas.

"Half this game is ninety percent mental."
Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark

"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it."
Al Gore, former Vice President

"I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix."
Dan Quayle, former Vice President

"We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need ?"
Lee Iacocca

"The word "genius" isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."
Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback & sports analyst.

"We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people."
Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instrutor .

"Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come from overseas."
Keppel Enderbery

"Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances."
Department of Social Services, Greenville, South Carolina

"If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there'll be a record."
Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman

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 Post subject: Re: Jokes/Humor
PostPosted: Fri Sep 22, 2017 9:11 pm 
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A man came home, screeching his car into the driveway, and ran into the house. He slammed the door and shouted at the top of his lungs, "Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!"

The wife said, "Oh my Gosh! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?" "Doesn't matter," he said. "Just get out."

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 Post subject: Re: Jokes/Humor
PostPosted: Sat Sep 23, 2017 3:45 pm 
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There was a blond standing on the North peer of where a river flowed into Lake Michigan .
She saw another blond on the South peer and yelled " HOW DO YOU GET TO THE OTHER SIDE ? "
The blond on the South peer yelled back " YOU ARE ON THE OTHER SIDE ! " :shock:

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 Post subject: Re: Jokes/Humor
PostPosted: Sat Sep 23, 2017 4:04 pm 
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A lady was following a truck in town and noticed that stuff was dribbling out the back of the truck .
She pulled up next to him at a red light and yelled to the driver that he was loosing his load .
The guy just waved and nodded to her and he kept going .
She did this a few more times until the driver yelled at her and said " IT'S A SALT TRUCK ! "

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 Post subject: Re: Jokes/Humor
PostPosted: Sat Sep 23, 2017 4:07 pm 
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Asked my wife if she would like to go to the drag races ?
She asked me " What kind of dresses will they be wearing ? " :?

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 Post subject: Re: Jokes/Humor
PostPosted: Sat Sep 23, 2017 4:17 pm 
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A farmer had a calf born that was cross eyed and he called the vet to see what he could do .
The vet took out a long rubber hose and told the farmer he was going to insert the hose in the calves back side and blow real hard and the farmer needed to watch the calves eyes and tell him when they were straight .
He started to blow and the guy said " I see them moving . "
The vet kept blowing and blowing until he just couldn't do it any more .
The farmer said " You almost had it . "
The vet told the farmer to blow on the hose and he would watch the eyes .
The farmer got back there and pulled the hose out , turned it end for end and put it back in .
The vet asked him " Why did you turn the hoes around ? "
The farmer replied " You had your mouth on that end . "

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