Jokes/Humor

Anything that has Nothing to do with archery!
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Captainkirk
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Re: Jokes/Humor

#151 Post by Captainkirk »

:shock:
Aim small, miss small!

Captainkirk
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Posts: 12788
Joined: Tue Aug 26, 2014 8:19 pm

Re: Jokes/Humor

#152 Post by Captainkirk »

Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.



Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.


Some people are like a Slinky.....not really good for anything but you still can't help but smile when you shove them down the stairs.


Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.


All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.


Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut saves you thirty cents?


In the 60s, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.


We know exactly where one cow with Mad-cow-disease is located among the millions and millions of cows in America but we haven't got a clue as to where thousands of illegal immigrants and terrorists are located. Maybe we should put the Department of Agriculture in charge of immigration.
Aim small, miss small!

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Graps
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Joined: Mon Sep 08, 2014 8:39 pm

Re: Jokes/Humor

#153 Post by Graps »

Your repeating yourself Kirk .
Your repeating yourself Kirk .
Your repeating yourself Kirk .
Your repeating yourself Kirk .
Your repeating yourself Kirk .
Your repeating yourself Kirk .
:lol: :roll: ;)
"Maybe the truly handicapped people are the ones that don't need God as much." ~ Joni Eareckson Tada

Captainkirk
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Re: Jokes/Humor

#154 Post by Captainkirk »

I am? Sorry.
I am? Sorry.
I am? Sorry.
I am? Sorry.

They say the memory is first to go. I forget what the second thing was...
Aim small, miss small!

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Shadowhntr
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Re: Jokes/Humor

#155 Post by Shadowhntr »

These are hilarious!
The element of surprise can never be replaced by persistence.

Captainkirk
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Re: Jokes/Humor

#156 Post by Captainkirk »

Shadowhntr wrote:These are hilarious!
Yep, that's the general idea... 8-)
Aim small, miss small!

Captainkirk
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Re: Jokes/Humor

#157 Post by Captainkirk »

Elephant Tail on Rye

A customer walks into a restaurant and notices a large sign on the wall: “$500 IF WE FAIL TO FILL YOUR ORDER!”

When his waitress arrives, he orders elephant tail on rye.

She calmly writes down his order and walks into the kitchen where all hell breaks loose!

The restaurant owner comes storming out of the kitchen.

He runs up to the customer’s table, slaps five $100 bills down on it and says, “You got me that time buddy, but I want you to know that’s the first time in ten years we’ve been out of rye bread!”
Aim small, miss small!

Captainkirk
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Re: Jokes/Humor

#158 Post by Captainkirk »

Two young men were out in the woods on a camping trip, when the came upon this great trout brook.

They stayed there all day, enjoying the fishing, which was super.

At the end of the day, knowing that they would be graduating from college soon, they vowed that they would meet, in twenty years, at the same place and renew the experience.

Twenty years later, they met and traveled to a spot near where they had been years before. They walked into the woods and before long came upon a brook. One of the men said to the other, “This is the place!”

The other replied, “No, it’s not!”

The first man said, “Yes, I do recognize the clover growing on the bank on the other side."

To which the other man replied, “You know, you can’t tell a brook by it’s clover.”
Aim small, miss small!

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Graps
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Re: Jokes/Humor

#159 Post by Graps »

This lady was recovering from surgery in her hospital room and the nurse asked her '" Have you had a BM yet ?"
The lady replied " No "
The nurse told her she couldn't go home until she had one .
The next day the nurse asked her " Have you had a BM yet ?"
She again replied " No "
On the third day The nurse asks again with the same response .
She asks the lady " You do know what a BM is don't you ? "
The lady answers " Of course I do , it's a Bloody Mary and I've been here three days and I haven't had one yet .
"Maybe the truly handicapped people are the ones that don't need God as much." ~ Joni Eareckson Tada

Captainkirk
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Re: Jokes/Humor

#160 Post by Captainkirk »

Monks

A man is driving down the road and his car breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, "My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?"The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound. A sound unlike anything he's ever heard before. The Sirens that nearly seduced Odysseus into crashing his ship comes to his mind.
He doesn't sleep that night. He tosses and turns trying to figure out what could possibly be making such a seductive sound.The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk."
Distraught, the man is forced to leave.Years later, after never being able to forget that sound, the man goes back to the monastery and pleads for the answer again.The monks reply, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk."The man sa,ys, "If the only way I can find out what is making that beautiful sound is to become a monk, then please, make me a monk.
"The monks reply, "You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of grains of sand. When you find these answers, you will have become a monk."The man sets about his task.
After years of searching he returns as a gray-haired old man and knocks on the door of the monastery. A monk answers. He is taken before a gathering of all the monks."In my quest to find what makes that beautiful sound, I traveled the earth and have found what you asked for: By design, the world is in a state of perpetual change. Only God knows what you ask. All a man can know is himself, and only then if he is honest and reflective and willing to strip away self deception.
"The monks reply, "Congratulations. You have become a monk. We shall now show you the way to the mystery of the sacred sound.
"The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, "The sound is beyond that door."The monks give him the key, and he opens the door. Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone. The man is given the key to the stone door and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. And so it went that he needed keys to doors of emerald, pearl and diamond.Finally, they come to a door made of solid gold. The sound has become very clear and definite.
The monks say, "This is the last key to the last door."The man is apprehensive to no end. His life's wish is behind that door!With trembling hands, he unlocks the door, turns the knob, and slowly pushes the door open. Falling to his knees, he is utterly amazed to discover the source of that haunting and seductive sound......













But, of course, I can't tell you what it is because you're not a monk.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A new monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to help the other monks in copying the old texts by hand. He notices, however, that they are copying copies, and not the original books.
So, the new monk goes to the head monk to ask him about this. He points out that if there was an error in the first copy, that error would be continued in all of the other copies. The head monk says, "We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son."
So, he goes down into the cellar with one of the copies to check it against the original. Hours later, nobody has seen him. So, one of the monks goes downstairs to look for him. He hears sobbing coming from the back of the cellar and finds the old monk leaning over one of the original books crying. He asks what's wrong.

"The word is celebrate not celibate," says the old monk with tears in his eyes
Aim small, miss small!

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