Jokes/Humor

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Captainkirk
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Re: Jokes/Humor

#136 Post by Captainkirk »

(For those of you who have sons & those of you who are happy that you don't.)

You find out interesting things when you have sons, like:

1.) A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. ft. house 4 inches deep.

2.) If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.

3.) A 3-year old Boy's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.

4.) If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound Boy wearing Batman underwear and a Superman cape. It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20x20 ft. room.

5.) You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When using a ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.

6.) The glass in windows (even double-pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.

7.) When you hear the toilet flush and the words "uh oh", it's already too late.

8.) Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.

9.) A six-year old Boy can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year old Man says they can only do it in the movies.

10.) Certain Lego's will pass through the digestive tract of a 4-year old Boy.

11.) Play dough and microwave should not be used in the same sentence.

12.) Super glue is forever.

13.) No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water.

14.) Pool filters do not like Jell-O.

15.) VCR's do not eject "PB & J" sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.

16.) Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.

17.) Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.

18.) You probably DO NOT want to know what that odor is.

19.) Always look in the oven before you turn it on; plastic toys do not like ovens.

20.) The fire department inAustin , TX has a 5-minute response time.

21.) The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.

22.) It will, however, make cats dizzy.

23.) Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.

24.) 80% of Women will pass this on to almost all of their friends, with or without kids.

25.) 80% of Men who read this will try mixing the Clorox and brake fluid.
Aim small, miss small!

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Graps
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Re: Jokes/Humor

#137 Post by Graps »

If cannibals ate a clown , would they think it tastes funnie ?
"Maybe the truly handicapped people are the ones that don't need God as much." ~ Joni Eareckson Tada

Captainkirk
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Re: Jokes/Humor

#138 Post by Captainkirk »

graps wrote:If cannibals ate a clown , would they think it tastes funnie ?
I should know better than to read your jokes with a mouth full of hot coffee. I really should... :?
Aim small, miss small!

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Shadowhntr
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Re: Jokes/Humor

#139 Post by Shadowhntr »

:shock: :lol: :lol: :lol:
The element of surprise can never be replaced by persistence.

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Graps
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Re: Jokes/Humor

#140 Post by Graps »

You can't buy love , but you can pay heavily for it . :roll:
"Maybe the truly handicapped people are the ones that don't need God as much." ~ Joni Eareckson Tada

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Shadowhntr
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Re: Jokes/Humor

#141 Post by Shadowhntr »

In many ways!
The element of surprise can never be replaced by persistence.

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Graps
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Re: Jokes/Humor

#142 Post by Graps »

This guys wife was due to have a baby but he had to leave on business .
He asked his brother to stay with his wife and if she needed to get to the hospital to take her there and get in contact with him .
He was worried because his brother was not very smart , so he told his brother not to do anything except get her to the hospital .
Well the wife went into labor and the guys brother got her to the hospital just fine .
The brother called his brother to let him know that all went well .
Dumb brother said " Got your wife here just fine and she had twins , a girl and a boy . The hospital was asking if I could name them , so I did . "
Now the father thought to himself ( oh no ; I hope the names are not too stupid )
He then asked " So what did you name the girl ? "
" Daniece "
"Oh , that's a nice name . What did you name the boy ? "
" Danephew "
"Maybe the truly handicapped people are the ones that don't need God as much." ~ Joni Eareckson Tada

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Graps
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Re: Jokes/Humor

#143 Post by Graps »

When a clown farts does it smell funnie ?
"Maybe the truly handicapped people are the ones that don't need God as much." ~ Joni Eareckson Tada

Captainkirk
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Re: Jokes/Humor

#144 Post by Captainkirk »

One day, a very gentle Texas lady was driving across a high bridge in Austin.
As she neared the top of the bridge, she noticed a young man fixin’ to jump
("fixin to" in Texas means getting ready to).

She stopped her car, rolled down the window and said, "Please don't jump!
Think of your dear mother and father."

He replied, "My mom and dad are both dead; I'm going to jump."

She said, "Well, think of your sweet wife and precious children."

He replied, "I'm not married, and I don't have any kids."

She said, "Well then, you just remember the Alamo."

He replied, ''What's the Alamo?''

She replied, ‘’Well, bless your heart! You just go ahead and jump ....
you little Yankee Democrat B-----d! You’re holding up traffic."
Aim small, miss small!

Captainkirk
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Posts: 12787
Joined: Tue Aug 26, 2014 8:19 pm

Re: Jokes/Humor

#145 Post by Captainkirk »

After a softball game the night before, the Gingerbread Man woke up and his knee was killing him.

All day he was in pain.

So, the next day he goes to his doctor and explains that his knee really hurts.

The doctor says, "Have you tried icing it?" 8-)
Aim small, miss small!

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