Jokes/Humor

Anything that has Nothing to do with archery!
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Captainkirk
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Re: Jokes/Humor

#76 Post by Captainkirk »

:lol: :lol: :lol: I did NOT see that one coming...
Aim small, miss small!

Mohawk
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Re: Jokes/Humor

#77 Post by Mohawk »

:lol: :lol: :lol: This stuff is GREAT :!:

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Graps
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Re: Jokes/Humor

#78 Post by Graps »

This middle aged couple were at the county fair back in the 70s .
They saw a guy that was a chopper pilot during the Vietnam war .
He was giving rides for $50 for a half hour .
The couple were arguing about taking the ride when the piolet asked what the problem was .
The man said that he wanted to take the ride but his wife said it cost to much .
The piolet told the lady " The ride is well worth the fifty dollars and besides it was costly to fly the chopper .
The lady said " fifty bucks is fifty bucks ! "
The piolet then offered " I'll take you both up and if neither one of you make a sound the rid is free . "
So they angered and off they went .
That piolet swooped and circled and dove and spun , up and down but not a sound .
He gave up and went back to the landing pad .
He said to the man " I was quite impressed at how you handled the ride without making a sound . How did you do it ? "
The man said " Well I almost said something after the first tight turn you made when my wife fell out , but fifty bucks is fifty bucks . "
"Maybe the truly handicapped people are the ones that don't need God as much." ~ Joni Eareckson Tada

Captainkirk
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Re: Jokes/Humor

#79 Post by Captainkirk »

:lol: :lol: :lol: :shock:
Aim small, miss small!

Captainkirk
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Re: Jokes/Humor

#80 Post by Captainkirk »

The economy is so bad that –
I received a pre-declined credit card in the mail,
CEOs are now playing miniature golf,
Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 congressmen,
Angelina Jolie adopted a child from America,
Motel Six won’t leave the light on anymore,
A picture is only worth 200 words,
They re-named Wall Street, ‘Walmart Street’…
Finally, I called the Suicide Hotline. I got a call center in Saudi Arabia, and when I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited, and asked if I could drive a truck!
Aim small, miss small!

Captainkirk
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Re: Jokes/Humor

#81 Post by Captainkirk »

Image
Aim small, miss small!

Captainkirk
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Re: Jokes/Humor

#82 Post by Captainkirk »

Ya can't make this stuff up!

1. *WILL THE REAL DUMMY PLEASE STAND UP???
AT&T fired President John Walter after nine months, saying he lacked intellectual leadership. He received a $26 million severance package. Perhaps it's not Walter who's lacking intelligence.

2. *WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM OUR FRIENDS:
Police in Oakland, CA, spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them in the police line, shouting, 'Please come out and give yourself up!'

3. *WHAT WAS PLAN B???*
An Illinois man, pretending to have a gun, kidnapped a motorist and forced him to drive to two different automated teller machines, wherein the kidnapper proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank accounts.

4. *THE GETAWAY!!!*
A man walked into a Topeka , Kansas Kwik Stop and asked for all the money in the cash drawer. Apparently, the take was too small, so he tied up the store clerk and worked the counter himself for three hours until police showed up and grabbed him.

5. *DID I SAY THAT???*
Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just couldn't control himself during a lineup. When detectives asked each man in the lineup to repeat the words: 'Give me all your money or I'll shoot', the man shouted, 'That's not what I said!'

6. *ARE WE COMMUNICATING???*
A man spoke frantically into the phone: 'My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart'. 'Is this her first child?', the doctor asked. 'No! Jackass!' the man shouted, 'This is her husband!'

7. *NOT THE SHARPEST TOOL IN THE SHED!!!*
In Modesto, CA, Steven Richard King was arrested for trying to hold up a Bank of America branch without a weapon. King used a thumb and a finger to simulate a gun. Unfortunately, he failed to keep his hand in his pocket. (hellooooooo)!

8. *THE GRAND FINALE!!!*
Last summer, down on Lake Isabella, located in the high desert, an hour east of Bakersfield, CA, some folks, new to boating, were having a problem. No matter how hard they tried, they couldn't get their brand new 22 foot boat, going. It was very sluggish in almost every maneuver, no matter how much power they applied. After about an hour of trying to make it go, they putted into a nearby marina, thinking someone there may be able to tell them what was wrong. A thorough topside check revealed everything in perfect working condition. The engine ran fine, the out-drive went up and down, and the propeller was the correct size and pitch. So, one of the marina guys jumped in the water to check underneath. He came up choking on water, he was laughing so hard. Under the boat, still strapped securely in place, was the trailer!
Aim small, miss small!

Captainkirk
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Re: Jokes/Humor

#83 Post by Captainkirk »

A woman goes to the Doctor worried about her husband's temper.
The Doctor asks, "What's the problem?"
The woman says, "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every day my husband seems to lose his temper for no reason. It scares me."

The Doctor says, "I have a cure for that. When it seems that your husband is getting angry, just take a glass of water and start swishing it in your mouth.
Just swish and swish but don't swallow it until he either leaves the room or calms down."

Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor, looking fresh and reborn.
The woman says, "Doctor that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband started losing it, I swished with water. I swished and swished, and he calmed right down! How does a glass of water do that?"

The Doctor says, "The water itself does nothing. It's keeping your mouth shut that does the trick."
Aim small, miss small!

Captainkirk
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Re: Jokes/Humor

#84 Post by Captainkirk »

Image
Aim small, miss small!

Captainkirk
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Posts: 12787
Joined: Tue Aug 26, 2014 8:19 pm

Re: Jokes/Humor

#85 Post by Captainkirk »

Researchers for the Massachusetts Turnpike Authority found
over 200 dead crows near greater Boston recently, and there was
concern that they may have died from Avian Flu.
A Bird Pathologist examined the remains of all the
crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was
definitely NOT Avian Flu. The cause of death appeared to be
vehicular impacts.
However, during the detailed analysis it was noted that varying
colors of paints appeared on the bird's beaks and claws.

By analyzing these paint residues it was determined that
98% of the crows had been killed by impact with trucks, while
only 2% were killed by an impact with a car.

MTA then hired an Ornithological Behaviorist to determine if
there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of
truck kills versus car kills.

He very quickly concluded the cause: When crows eat
road kill, they always have a look-out crow in a nearby tree
to warn of impending danger.

They discovered that while all the lookout crows could
shout "Cah", not a single one could shout "Truck."
Aim small, miss small!

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