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 Post subject: Re: Jokes/Humor
PostPosted: Wed Sep 20, 2017 8:45 pm 
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This morning on the way to work I wasn't really paying attention and I drove into the back of a car at some traffic lights.

The driver got out and it turned out he was a dwarf.

He said, "I'm not happy."

I said, "Well, which one are you then?"

:shock: :shock: :shock:

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The driver says: "Ugh, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen."

The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to the man next to her: "The driver just insulted me."

The man says: "You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you."

:shock: :shock: :shock:

My grandpa started walking five miles a day when he was 60.

Now he's 97 years old and we have no idea where the heck he is.

:shock: :shock: :shock:

Bob left work one Friday evening.

But it was payday, so instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend partying with his hunting buddies and spending his entire wages.

When he finally appeared at home on Sunday night, he was confronted by his angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions. Finally his wife stopped the nagging and said to him, "How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?"

He replied, "That would be fine with me."

Monday went by and he didn't see his wife.

Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results.

But on Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.

:shock: :shock: :shock:

The teacher said to his class one day, "Please stand up, anyone who thinks they're stupid."

Nobody stood up so the teacher said, "I'm sure there are some stupid students in this class!"

At this point Little Johnny stood up.

The teacher said, "Oh Johnny! So you think you're stupid then?"

Little Johnny replied, "No, I just felt bad that you were standing up on your own."

:shock: :shock: :shock:

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 Post subject: Re: Jokes/Humor
PostPosted: Wed Sep 20, 2017 8:59 pm 
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1. The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to
be an optical Aleutian.

3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.

4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class, because it was
a weapon of math disruption.

5. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

6. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

7. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum
Blownapart .

8. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

9. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking
into it.

10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

11. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

12. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the
other: 'You stay here; I'll go on a head.'

13. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

14. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.'

15. The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at
large.

16. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned
veteran.

17. A backward poet writes inverse.

18. In a democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count
that votes.

19. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

20. If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you'd be in Seine.

21. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The
stewardess looks at him and says, 'I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed
per passenger.'_____________________________? ?

22. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says
'Dam!'

23. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the
craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your
kayak and heat it too.

24. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, 'I've lost my electron.' The other
says 'Are you sure?' The first replies, 'Yes, I'm positive.'

25. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root
canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.

26. There was the person who sent ten puns to friends, with the hope
that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.

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 Post subject: Re: Jokes/Humor
PostPosted: Wed Sep 20, 2017 9:02 pm 
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Location: Northeast Illinois
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I was walking past the mental hospital the other day, and all the patients were excitedly shouting, '13....13....13.'
The fence was too high to see over, but I saw a little gap in the planks, so I looked through to see what was going on.....
Some idiot poked me in the eye with a stick!

Then they all started shouting '14....14.....14'... !

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 Post subject: Re: Jokes/Humor
PostPosted: Wed Sep 20, 2017 9:07 pm 
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Two Tennessee rednecks are out hunting, and as they walking along they come upon a huge hole in the ground.

They approach it and are amazed by the size of it.

The first hunter says, "Wow, that's some hole; I can't even see the bottom. I wonder how deep it is."

The second hunter says," I don't know, let's throw something down and listen and see how long it takes to hit bottom."

The first hunter says, "There's this old automobile transmission here, give me a hand and we'll throw it in and see".

So they pick it up and carry it over, and count one, and two and three, and throw it in the hole.

They are standing there listening and looking over the edge and they hear a rustling in the brush behind them.

As they turn around they see a goat come crashing through the brush, run up to the hole and with no hesitation, jump in head first.

While they are standing there looking at each other, looking in the hole and trying to figure out what that was all about, an old farmer walks up.

"Say there," says the farmer, "you fellers didn't happen to see my goat around here anywhere, did you?"

The first hunter says, " Funny you should ask, but we were just standing here a minute ago and a goat came running out of the bushes doin' about a hunert miles an hour and jumped headfirst into this hole here!"

The old farmer said, "That's impossible. I had him chained to a transmission!"

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 Post subject: Re: Jokes/Humor
PostPosted: Wed Sep 20, 2017 9:14 pm 
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Ole and Sven were waiting at the bus stop when a truck went past loaded up with rolls of sod.

Ole said, “I’m gonna do dat when I win da lottery.”

“What's dat, den?” asks Sven.



“Send my lawn away to be mowed."

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 Post subject: Re: Jokes/Humor
PostPosted: Wed Sep 20, 2017 9:17 pm 
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This cute little girl with her dad gets in a pet store and asks:

"Do you have any wabbits?"

And the clerk replies:

"We have plenty of wabbits, would you like fluffy white wabbit or this cute little black wabbit, or...."

So the cute little girl pulls the lollipop out of her mouth and says:

"I don't think that the boa constrictor really cares...!"

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 Post subject: Re: Jokes/Humor
PostPosted: Wed Sep 20, 2017 9:19 pm 
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The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert.

After they got their tent all set up, both men fell sound asleep.

Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says,

"Kemo Sabe, look towards sky, what you see?"

The Lone Ranger replies, "I see millions of stars."

"What that tell you?" asked Tonto.

The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says,

"Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.

Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo.

Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning.

Theologically, the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant.

Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.

What does it tell you, Tonto?"

"You dumber than Buffalo rolling in snow. It is because someone stole tent".

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 Post subject: Re: Jokes/Humor
PostPosted: Wed Sep 20, 2017 9:22 pm 
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Need New Wipers


I was driving down a lonely northern road one cold winter day when it began to snow pretty heavily.

My windows were getting icy and my wiper blades were badly worn and quickly fell apart under the strain.

Unable to drive any further because of the ice building up on my front window I suddenly had a great idea.

I stopped and began to overturn large rocks until I located two very lethargic hibernating rattlesnakes.

I grabbed them up, straightened them out flat and installed them on my blades, and they worked just fine.



Of course, that's because they were wind-chilled vipers.

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 Post subject: Re: Jokes/Humor
PostPosted: Wed Sep 20, 2017 9:25 pm 
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Why, Why, Why?



Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting weak?

Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they know there is not enough?

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

Why doesn't glue stick to the bottle?

Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?

Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Whose idea was it to put an "S" in the word "lisp"?

If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?

Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?

Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?

Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?

Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?

Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?

How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?

Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?

In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?

How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?

And my FAVORITE......

The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four persons is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends -- if they're okay, then it's you.

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 Post subject: Re: Jokes/Humor
PostPosted: Thu Sep 21, 2017 10:38 am 
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You know you're in TEXAS or Southern Arizona when. .



- The birds have to use potholders to pull worms out of the ground.

- The best parking place is determined by shade instead of distance.

- Hot water now comes out of both taps.

- You can make sun tea instantly.

- You learn that a seat belt buckle makes a pretty good branding iron.

- The temperature drops below 95 and you feel a little chilly.

- You discover that in July it only takes 2 fingers to steer your motorcycle.

- You discover that you can get sunburned through your car window.

- You actually burn your hand opening the gas cap on your motorcycle.

- You break into a sweat the instant you step outside at 7:30 a.m.

- Your biggest motorcycle wreck fear is, "What if I get knocked out and end up lying on the pavement and cook to death?"

- You realize that asphalt has a liquid state.

- The potatoes cook underground, so all you have to do is pull one out and add butter, salt and pepper.

- Farmers are feeding their chickens crushed ice to keep them from laying boiled eggs.

- The cows are giving evaporated milk.

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 Post subject: Re: Jokes/Humor
PostPosted: Thu Sep 21, 2017 10:40 am 
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Ain't it the truth...


Cop takes driver to jail


A man was being tailgated by a stressed out woman on a busy boulevard. Suddenly, the light turned yellow, just in front of him. He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection.


The tailgating woman was furious and honked her horn, screaming in frustration as she missed her chance to get through the intersection, dropping her cell phone and makeup.


As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer ordered her to exit her car with her, hands up.


He took her to the police station where she was searched, finger printed, photographed, and placed in a holding cell.


After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door. She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects. He said, "I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you, and cussing a blue streak at him. I noticed the 'Choose Life' license plate holder. The 'What Would Jesus Do' bumper sticker, the 'Follow Me to Sunday- School' bumper sticker, and the Chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk.


Naturally... I assumed you had stolen the car."

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 Post subject: Re: Jokes/Humor
PostPosted: Thu Sep 21, 2017 10:41 am 
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Engineer And Manager


A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below.


He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."


The woman below replied, "You're in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."


"You must be an engineer," said the balloonist.

"I am," replied the woman, "How did you know?"


"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I've no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything, you've delayed my trip."


The woman below responded, "You must be in management."

"I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"


"Well," said the woman, "you don't know where you are or where you're going. You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault."

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 Post subject: Re: Jokes/Humor
PostPosted: Thu Sep 21, 2017 10:42 am 
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Store Clerk


A man walked into the produce section of his local supermarket, and asked to buy half a head of lettuce.

The boy working in that department told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce.


The man was insistent that the boy ask his manager about the matter.


Walking into the back room, the boy said to the manager, "Some #$%* wants to buy half a head of lettuce." As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, "and this gentleman kindly offered to buy the other half."

The manager approved the deal, and the man went on his way.


Later the manager said to the boy, "I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on their feet here. Where are you from, son?"

"Canada, sir," the boy replied.


"Well, why did you leave Canada?" the manager asked.


The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing but tarts and hockey players up there.


"Oh, really?!" said the manager. "My wife is from Canada."


"No kidding??" replied the boy. "Who'd she play for?"

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 Post subject: Re: Jokes/Humor
PostPosted: Thu Sep 21, 2017 10:44 am 
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* Energizer Bunny arrested - charged with battery.



* A pessimist's blood type is always b-negative.



* Practice safe eating - always use condiments.



* Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.



* I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.



* If electricity comes from electrons... does that mean that morality comes from morons?



* Marriage is the mourning after the knot before.




* A hangover is the wrath of grapes.



* Corduroy pillows are making headlines.



* Sea captains don't like crew cuts.



* Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?



* A successful diet is the triumph of mind over platter.



* A gossip is someone with a great sense of rumor.



* Without geometry, life is pointless.



* When you dream in color, it's a pigment of your imagination.



* Reading whille sunbathing makes you well-red.



* When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.

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 Post subject: Re: Jokes/Humor
PostPosted: Thu Sep 21, 2017 10:45 am 
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Blonde Logic



Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking, and one blonde says

to the other, "Which do you think is farther away...Florida or the moon?"


The other blonde turns and says "Helloooooooooo, can you see Florida...?????"

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