Jokes/Humor

Anything that has Nothing to do with archery!
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Captainkirk
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Re: Jokes/Humor

#41 Post by Captainkirk »

Ain't it the truth...


Cop takes driver to jail


A man was being tailgated by a stressed out woman on a busy boulevard. Suddenly, the light turned yellow, just in front of him. He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection.


The tailgating woman was furious and honked her horn, screaming in frustration as she missed her chance to get through the intersection, dropping her cell phone and makeup.


As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer ordered her to exit her car with her, hands up.


He took her to the police station where she was searched, finger printed, photographed, and placed in a holding cell.


After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door. She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects. He said, "I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you, and cussing a blue streak at him. I noticed the 'Choose Life' license plate holder. The 'What Would Jesus Do' bumper sticker, the 'Follow Me to Sunday- School' bumper sticker, and the Chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk.


Naturally... I assumed you had stolen the car."
Aim small, miss small!

Captainkirk
Site Admin
Posts: 12787
Joined: Tue Aug 26, 2014 8:19 pm

Re: Jokes/Humor

#42 Post by Captainkirk »

Engineer And Manager


A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below.


He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."


The woman below replied, "You're in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."


"You must be an engineer," said the balloonist.

"I am," replied the woman, "How did you know?"


"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I've no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything, you've delayed my trip."


The woman below responded, "You must be in management."

"I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"


"Well," said the woman, "you don't know where you are or where you're going. You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault."
Aim small, miss small!

Captainkirk
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Posts: 12787
Joined: Tue Aug 26, 2014 8:19 pm

Re: Jokes/Humor

#43 Post by Captainkirk »

Store Clerk


A man walked into the produce section of his local supermarket, and asked to buy half a head of lettuce.

The boy working in that department told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce.


The man was insistent that the boy ask his manager about the matter.


Walking into the back room, the boy said to the manager, "Some #$%* wants to buy half a head of lettuce." As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, "and this gentleman kindly offered to buy the other half."

The manager approved the deal, and the man went on his way.


Later the manager said to the boy, "I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on their feet here. Where are you from, son?"

"Canada, sir," the boy replied.


"Well, why did you leave Canada?" the manager asked.


The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing but tarts and hockey players up there.


"Oh, really?!" said the manager. "My wife is from Canada."


"No kidding??" replied the boy. "Who'd she play for?"
Aim small, miss small!

Captainkirk
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Posts: 12787
Joined: Tue Aug 26, 2014 8:19 pm

Re: Jokes/Humor

#44 Post by Captainkirk »

* Energizer Bunny arrested - charged with battery.



* A pessimist's blood type is always b-negative.



* Practice safe eating - always use condiments.



* Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.



* I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.



* If electricity comes from electrons... does that mean that morality comes from morons?



* Marriage is the mourning after the knot before.




* A hangover is the wrath of grapes.



* Corduroy pillows are making headlines.



* Sea captains don't like crew cuts.



* Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?



* A successful diet is the triumph of mind over platter.



* A gossip is someone with a great sense of rumor.



* Without geometry, life is pointless.



* When you dream in color, it's a pigment of your imagination.



* Reading whille sunbathing makes you well-red.



* When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.
Aim small, miss small!

Captainkirk
Site Admin
Posts: 12787
Joined: Tue Aug 26, 2014 8:19 pm

Re: Jokes/Humor

#45 Post by Captainkirk »

Blonde Logic



Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking, and one blonde says

to the other, "Which do you think is farther away...Florida or the moon?"


The other blonde turns and says "Helloooooooooo, can you see Florida...?????"
Aim small, miss small!

Captainkirk
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Posts: 12787
Joined: Tue Aug 26, 2014 8:19 pm

Re: Jokes/Humor

#46 Post by Captainkirk »

Aoccdrnig to rscheearch, buaecse of the phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by isltef, but the wrod as a wlohe.
Amnznaig huh ? yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt!

Dsoe tihs maen we are all dsyelixc ?
Aim small, miss small!

Captainkirk
Site Admin
Posts: 12787
Joined: Tue Aug 26, 2014 8:19 pm

Re: Jokes/Humor

#47 Post by Captainkirk »

THE PERKS OF BEING OVER 50

1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.

2. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.

3. No one expects you to run into a burning building.

4. People call at 9 PM and ask, "Did I wake you?"

5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.

6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.

7. Things you buy now won't wear out.

8. You can eat dinner at 4 P.M.

9. You can live without sex but not without glasses.

10. You enjoy hearing about other peoples operations.

11. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.

12. You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.

14. You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the
room.

15. You sing along with elevator music.

16. Your eyes won't get much worse.

17. Your health plan is beginning to pay off.

18. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather
service.

19. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them
either.

20. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size
Aim small, miss small!

Captainkirk
Site Admin
Posts: 12787
Joined: Tue Aug 26, 2014 8:19 pm

Re: Jokes/Humor

#48 Post by Captainkirk »

A 10-year-old boy was walking down the street when a big man on a black motorcycle pulled up beside him and asked: “Hey kid, wanna go for a ride?”
“No!”, said the boy, and he kept on walking. The motorcyclist pulls up to him again and says: “Hey kid, I’ll give you $10 if you hop on the back.”
“NO!” said the boy and proceeded down the street a little quicker.
The rider pulls up to the boy again and says: “OK, kid, I’ll give you $20 and a BIG bag of candy if you hop on the back for a ride.” At this point the boy turns around to him and screams angrily: “Look Dad, YOU bought the Harley, so YOU ride it.”
Aim small, miss small!

Captainkirk
Site Admin
Posts: 12787
Joined: Tue Aug 26, 2014 8:19 pm

Re: Jokes/Humor

#49 Post by Captainkirk »

Terri asked her Sunday School class to draw pictures of their favorite Bible stories. She was puzzled by Kyle's picture, which showed four people on an airplane, so she asked him which story it was meant to represent.

"The Flight to Egypt," was his reply.

Pointing at each figure, Ms. Terri said, "That must be Mary, Joseph, and Baby Jesus. But who's the fourth person?"

"Oh, that's Pontius - the pilot!"


A little boy was attending his first wedding.

After the service, his cousin asked him, "How many women can a man marry?"

"Sixteen," the boy responded. His cousin was amazed that he had an answer so quickly.

"How do you know that?"

"Easy," the little boy said.

"All you have to do is add it up, like the Bishop said,

4 better, 4 worse, 4 richer, 4 poorer."


After a church service on Sunday morning, a young boy suddenly announced to his mother, "Mom, I've decided to become a minister when I grow up."

"That's okay with us, but what made you decide that?"

"Well," said the little boy, "I have to go to church on Sunday anyway, and I figure it will be more fun to stand up and yell, than to sit and listen."
Aim small, miss small!

Captainkirk
Site Admin
Posts: 12787
Joined: Tue Aug 26, 2014 8:19 pm

Re: Jokes/Humor

#50 Post by Captainkirk »

Zen Sarcasm

1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me the hell alone.

2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire.

3. Its always darkest before dawn, so if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.

4. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

5. Always remember that you're unique, just like everyone else.

6. Never test the depth of the water with both feet

7. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

8. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

9. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

10. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

11. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.

12. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

13. Some days you're the bug; some days you're the windshield.

14. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

15. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.

16. A closed mouth gathers no foot.

17. Duct tape is like 'The Force,' it has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.

18. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.

19. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.

20. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

21. Never miss a good chance to shut up.

22. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
Aim small, miss small!

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