Jokes/Humor

[Captainkirk]

A Great Decision
I went to the liquor store Tuesday afternoon on my bicycle, bought a bottle of Jack Daniels and put it in the bicycle basket.
As I was about to leave, I thought to myself that if I fell off the bicycle, the bottle would break.
So I drank all the Jack Daniel's before I cycled home.
It turned out to be a very good decision, because I fell off my bicycle seven times on the way home.

[Captainkirk]

Blonde on a plane

A plane is on its way to Toronto, when a blonde in economy class gets up and moves to the first-class section and sits down.

The flight attendant watches her do this and asks to see her ticket. She then tells the blonde that she paid for economy class, and that she will have to sit at the back.

The blonde replies, "I’m blonde, I’m beautiful, I’m going to Toronto, and I’m staying right here."

The flight attendant goes into the cockpit and tells the pilot and the co-pilot that there is a blonde bimbo sitting in first class who belongs in economy, and she won't move back to her seat.

The co-pilot goes back to the blonde and tries to explain that, because she only paid for economy, she will have to leave and return to her seat. The blonde replies, "I’m blonde, I’m beautiful, I’m going to Toronto, and I’m staying right here."

The co-pilot tells the pilot that he probably should have the police waiting when they land to arrest this blonde woman who won't listen to reason.

The pilot says, "You say she is a blonde? I'll handle this, I’m married to a blonde. I speak blonde". He goes back to the blonde and whispers in her ear, and she says, "Oh, I’m sorry," and gets up and goes back to her seat in economy.

The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and ask the pilot what he said to make her move without any fuss.





"I told her, first class isn't going to Toronto."

[Captainkirk]

Trad Deer Camp
Four guys were at a trad deer camp. They had to bunk two to a room. No one wanted to room with Daryl because he snored so badly. They decided it wasn’t fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.

The first guy slept in the same cabin as Daryl, and comes to breakfast the next morning with hair a mess and eyes all bloodshot.

The other two said, “Man, what happened to you?”

He said, Daryl snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night.”

The next night, it was the second guy’s turn. In the morning, same thing-hair all standing up, eyes all bloodshot.

The other two said, “Man what happened to you? You look awful!”

He said, “Man that Daryl shakes the roof. I couldn’t do anything but sit up and watch him all night.”

The third night was Rich’s turn. Rich was a big burly ex-football player, a man’s man.

The next morning he came to breakfast, bright-eyed and bushy tailed. “Good morning,” he said. The other two couldn’t believe it-he looked rested and wide awake.

They asked, “Man, what happened?”

He said, “Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Daryl into bed, patted his behind and kissed him good night. Daryl sat up and watched me all night.

[Shadowhntr]

[Graps]

A lady goes to the Dentist and when she gets to see him she says " I think I would rather have a baby than have my teeth worked on."
At that the Dentist replied " Make up your mind so I can adjust the chair. "

[Shadowhntr]

....

[Graps]

I went fishing the other day.
I caught two mermaids and one smelt.

[Shadowhntr]

[Graps]

An expert:
An ex is a has been.
A spurt is a drip under pressure.

[Graps]

A man in a crowd said to his friend " I just got geesed "
His friend said " Don't you mean goosed? "
At which he replied " I know the difference between one finger and two "