Jokes/Humor

[Captainkirk]

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility.

As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5- year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English".

In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.

In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.

Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.

Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.

By the 4th yer peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v".

During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensi bl riten styl.

Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi TU understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.

Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas.

[Graps]

Hers the most famous voice actor that you never knew .
He did many characters in many shows , cartoons and he was the voice of the apple tree in the Wizard of Oz .
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oaXkCnAyGsc

[Graps]

A pipe smoker should never smoke a cigar .
You might have to think about that one .

[Captainkirk]

The Bet
A strong young man at a construction site was bragging that he could out do anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of making fun of one of the older workmen.
After several minutes, the older worker had enough.

'"Why don't you put your money where your mouth is?" he said.
"I will bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that building that you won't be able to wheel back".

"You're on, old man," the braggart replied. "Let's see you do it."
The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles.
Then, nodding to the young man, he said,
"All right, numb-nuts, get in."

[Graps]

Snotty Receptionist

Yesterday I had an appointment to see the urologist for a prostate exam. Of course I was a bit on edge because all my friends have either gone under the knife or had those pellets implanted.
The waiting room was filled with patients.
As I approached the receptionist’s desk, I noticed that she was a large unfriendly woman who looked like a Sumo wrestler.
I gave her my name, and in a very loud voice, she said,
“YES, I HAVE YOUR NAME HERE. YOU WANT TO SEE THE DOCTOR ABOUT IMPOTENCE, RIGHT?
All the patients in the waiting room snapped their heads around to look at me, a now very embarrassed man. But as usual, I recovered quickly, and in an equally loud voice replied,
“NO, I’VE COME TO INQUIRE ABOUT A SEX CHANGE
OPERATION, BUT I DON’T WANT THE SAME DOCTOR THAT DID YOURS.”
The room erupted in applause!

DON’T MESS WITH OLD RETIRED GUYS!!!!

[Graps]

The police came to my house yesterday and told me that my dog had chased some people on a bike .
I told the officer , that's ridiculous , my dog doesn't have a bike .

[Captainkirk]

The police came to my house yesterday and told me that my dog had chased some people on a bike .
I told the officer , that's ridiculous , my dog doesn't have a bike .

Now that right there is downright funny!

[Captainkirk]

Oh, deer!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RFCrJle ... e=youtu.be

[Graps]

These two guys came into the unemployment office to file a claim .
The first man was asked what he did in the factory he worked at .
He replied that he was a Diesel Fitter .
The lady that was helping him looked in the book and said she couldn't find that listed but it sounds like a high skilled job , so he could get Maxim benefits .
The next man was asked the same question and he told the lady that he would sew the cotton patch in the pantie hose .
She looked it up and said " Here it is , a cotton crotch stitcher. "
That's minimum benefits .
The guy asked " Why minimum , this other guy got Maxim ? "
She said " Well he did a high skilled job . "
At that the guy said " He worked right next to me , I would stitch the pantie hose and hand it to him . He would then pull them over his head and say DIESEL FITTER . "

[Captainkirk]

The Guys' Rules

We always hear "the rules" from the female side.
Now here are the rules from the male side.

Please note: These are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!

* * * * * *
1. Men are NOT mind readers.
* * * * * *
1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.
* * * * * *
1. Crying is blackmail.
* * * * * *
1. Ask for what you want.
Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!
* * * * * *
1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
* * * * * *
1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
* * * * * *
1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
* * * * * *
1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.
* * * * * *
1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.
* * * * * *
1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one
* * * * * *
1. You can either ask us to do something, or tell us how you want it done. Not both.
If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
************
1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
************
1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.
* * * * * *
1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.
Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what a mauve is.
* * * * * *
1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong.
We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
* * * * * *
1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.
* * * * * *
1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really.
* * * * * *
1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, or archery.
* * * * * *
1. You have enough clothes.
* * * * * *
1. You have too many shoes.
* * * * * *
1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!
* * * * * *
1. Thank you for reading this.

Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight; but did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.